This Is Now

PJ found himself up at the house last week by himself. Mom and I had gone to her PCP yearly visit, he had gone to see Dad and stop by the house. I think it all hits us when we are by ourselves and surrounded. After Mom and I returned, PJ and I were in the garage and he made the comment, “I was feeling a little sorry for myself and looked around at all of Dad’s tools and thought he’s not going to be tinkering around here anymore with them.” It was honestly the same sentiment I had during that first week after the stroke. I have been staying with Mom and Dad though and so my experience has been slightly different than PJ’s. Mourning the loss of who he was happened much earlier for me. We all go through the stages of grieving, whether it’s a death, a divorce, any kind of life changing event. The changing of the familiar to the unfamiliar gets most of us every time.  Sometimes it’s drastic, like an auto mobile accident and BOOM, in a flash everything is different and you mourn and grieve once the shock wears off. Sometimes it’s gradual, you or someone you know finds out they have a terminal disease and have only months to live, you have time to mourn and grieve before it happens. All of it is part of the process though (everything is a process isn’t it?). I told PJ not to feel sad. Who’s to say Dad wasn’t going to be re-arranging all his tools on the peg board, painting aluminum coffee can’s gray to hold the many variations of screws and nails he has, organizing the chaos of his workbench (something only he knew about)? PJ agreed. As realistic as we both are with the current situation is also as optimistic as we have to be about the unknown future. There is no crystal ball that says this stroke happened so everything will be fine going forward, just as it won’t say this stroke happened so everything will be shit going forward. As Dad has to re-learn almost everything, so too must we re-learn almost everything. One of them is the past is the past. That life is gone. None of us are going back to that place again. But you know what, Dad is still here with us and that is all that matters now.